From Load Shedding to Alcohol Shedding: Sex in The Time of Corona

Ah ukujola these days kunzima. You use i-condom to protect yourself from HIV not knowing ukuthi sneezing will kill you. Like, ama-sperms awasabulali bruh, sowubulawa amathe. Abanye bahlulwa i-condom i-mask bazayikhona kanjani? Cava, how the hell are we supposed to kiss abantu bethu mabazosibulala nge-saliva? I-sex yona yenzwa njani manje without ilimi libe involved? Wait, so no more oral sex? Eh eh eh...ei plus vele if u-baby ane corona bese akuthi muff muff kusho uzofa within minutes ngoba amathe wakhona angene kukhekhe...shiiiiit...so kahle kahle sekuyinto yama-quickie vele kufakwe ama-mask? Imagine! And le-mask yakhona izoba manzi mos when the bae is drooling a-enjoya ikhekhe lakho bese amathe akhona aconsela kuwe- sies! Hai maan kunzima yaz.

Khona manje kuthiwa you must drink at your father's house. Alright, fair enough. We know that siyavikelwa from ukuthola lesifo se Corona but hai, why bangakhiphi imithetho nyana regarding ucansi? Eya. Akere we must know ukuthi apart from kissing and sanitizing our hands before sikhwelana no baby yini enye ekumele siyenze to protect ourselves…what if ngine corona and ngivukelwe blind blind and yes I try not to touch my face but ngoba ngifuna ukujulukisa ikhekhe lami libe wet and slippery I start by sucking my middle finger ngamathe then ngidlala dlale ngebhontshisi lami, kuzokwenzekani? Ngizofa? Sekumele vele vele sithole ama-sex doll? Ok sicela abe nama size a-satisfactory down there. Singancintshiwi please.

Lomkhuba wokukhothana ne-spoon to shape ukudla kwengane mawuwe somblief. Umuntu u-busy ufakana nomlomo wakhe onamathe anesifo se-Corona ku-spoon esinokudla kwengane. Hai maan. Nayo lento yokuphuphutha ukudla komntwana ngomlomo oshaya i-oral sex mayiyekwe. Siseselapho, kukhona futhi abafaka imilomo yabo emakhaleni wabantwana ukubadonsa amafinyele ngoba mabasese bancane abakwazi ukuzifinyela uzosigulisela izingane zethu. Kubi maan. Thola enye indlela that doesn't involve your mouth.

Ei kodwa ibhadi leli. No more being romantic udlise umuntu wakho nge-spoon bowudla ngaso. Kusho vele we cannot share cups as well? Eya ayabulala amathe bahlali. Kungqono mawuya ku quarantine uye no-baby ngoba self-isolation yenu izoyenza abaningi bazibulale yaz coz they have never dealt with themselves before. Le-stress ohlala usiphathisa omunye umntwana uzoziphathisa sona selufu. Ngapha kubi ngoba sesibekelwe neskhathi sokuthi utshwala sibuthenga nini. From Load Shedding to Alcohol Shedding. Inkinga ke, if you need alcohol ukuthi ukwazi ukudla ubaby ngoba mubi. You will end up drinking kwaleyo sanitizer ngoba nayo ine-alcohol. Abanye they want to use it as lubrication. Ai! Our parents always said ubumnandi abupheli. Bona fela nou. Buphelile. Kumnandi eMzansi yaz. Mara yonke into was a joke kule-country until 23 March 2020 at 19:59.

Yoh uRamapostponer azange angiphule i-heart yam kanje makathi sizozivalele from the 26th, namasotsha wakhe azoyenza sure that we adhere to the regulations. Ai i-martial law yathi fa fa all of a sudden eMzansi. Khona manje ku obvious that there will be panic buyers meaning more infections futhi. Yes, we should not be stock piling but hello; ngeke ubakhone abantu. Shut down kumele yenzwe immediately to avoid such. Manje when you give people a few days to prepare kula ubahlanyisa khona. Yaz abelungu knew ngale shutdown three weeks ago kungakavali nezikolo. Ngathi bane president yabo bodwa eceleni, because they were buying sonke istoro basiqedela ne-tissue. Unincedile mara yaz uDaddy Ramas wanipha amalanga to prepare with your side chicks and niggas, nenze ischedule sokuthi ubani uza nini. Thina siyoba ku-lockdown nabo main bethu sifeshane goed. Condoms, check. Sex toys, check. Tshwala, check. Kusazofiwa embhedeni. Breakfast, lunch and supper ke sex for amavila angakwazi ukuphekela indoda. Yho! People will be exposed ukuthi bahlulwa ukupheka ipapa.

Lalela, hlala kini no baby wakho nibe ku-house arrest. Ngeke nife. Kwakuyini i-21 days kodwa? Ubala lolo. Use condoms nizivalele nibukele i-porn die hele dag. "No more shopping sprees, no more late night creeps, no more VIP, no more dough."

Country on reset mode bahlali. Be careful where you sleep nje from Thursday because that will be your home for three weeks. Le-virus inamasimba mfana. Stay safe. Geza izandla ungazibambi ubuso. Cheers.

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