How To Get Dezember Sexin’ Right
Hello…hello…December...! It's that time of the year akere…futhi la eMzansi y'all don't need this month to celebrate and get drunk...zihlala ziwa mlibe yaken? Mara yaz I don't get this trend of people going to gym just for i-summer body…cause masesibheka kahle uDecember udinga imali hai i-summer body. When you open your bhibhile ku Dizemba chapter 16 verse 25-31 lithi, "may the broke sleep and never ask where the monied are”. Hlala kini mhlali. Nakhona sekumele sithole ama-cooler box ane-password struu. Singaphela. Umuntu maka fesha akakubizi mara ufuna umubize ebhiyeni. Haibo bahlali. Ngapha abanye bazibambisa ama-phone a-off ngesikhathi sokukhipha imali. Futhi abantu abaspita kama-reg ama-September babies. Ei those Dizemba mistakes products are extra. Ilento ye #NoPullOutDecember. This cycle won't stop nje klaar. Abantu badakwa utshwala bamahala banyiswe ngama woman on top. THIZA! Makathi urasela ubaba wengane amtshele kahle ukuthi akazingeni, yi-own goal le uzimithisile. Sekumele sijaive ngama-vaslap mabaphapha sibasule i-makeup bafane nabobaba babo. Haha. Ngyadlala guyzini.
Shuu…what a year. Yaz kulonyaka aku relationshipeki. Basitshela ukuthi iPhone yendoda ifana nekepisi lase ZCC – alibanjwa umfazi. Abanye abalwi nendoda ngo Disemba, phela kuphuma ama-bonus. Abanye bayabamba ngo December until just after valentines. Hustlers!!! This December before siphuza nawe we want to see i-slip sezimpahla zabantwana ze-Xmas nese stationery.
Bheka u-Faith. Faith khohlakele. She even has a fake name for every December. Last year December wahlangana nomntwanakhe estradeni angcolile angagezanga. Wabuza ingane ukuthi why abakubo bangayigezanga. Habe! Leso skhathi yena uyo groova bese avule amathanga. Well, at least akasebenzisi imali yakhe. Eyakhe imali uyisebenzisa January for izinto zomntwana. December holidays, booze and all kinda shandis ziphuma emalini yomuntu amubambile. Hoe is life.
Mina angiyidlali le-game bazalwane. Angidliwa mina kulenyanga. Aowa, how can udliwe kort kort the whole year bese ngeskhathi se-beer you are busy cuddling? Ngeke. Elami ikhekhe liyaphumula ngo december. 16th is for my girlfriends, 25th and 26th is for family. 31st..uhm..oh well..maybe then I can be with the bae just so I can get serviced first thing in the morning nge New Year. I don't wanna wonder the whole day on the 1st of January ukuthi i-tlof tlof ka 2020 injani. Yho. Umuntu aze ayenze ama-accident estradeni thinking the whole day ngogwayi ka baby. Cerebos causes homicides bahlali. Idla udliwe. Ikhekhe loze lome uzitshele ukuthi sowuyi-virgin kanti niks ikalahari desert pakhathi kwekhekhe. Lomile. Sowudinga umbhobho o-serious ukuchamele goed so you can overflow with a stream of fresh water.
Yaz kunalabo brother abangafuni ukuchamela intombazane ngo December. You'd swear our sisters said they want kids with them. Umuntu abe busy nge condom ye-choice enuka kabi kukhekhe lakho elegolide. Fusek. Ama-Casinova akhona if ungazi i-hiv status semedi. Le phila masipa waitse. Imali yama-bonus yenzeni? Lubricant nyana? Handcuffs? YOLO.
Girls, indoda ongezanga nayo awuyikhaphi kubo iyogcoka ijezi. Please. Or else wuwe ozaba ijersey. Makukgalela to be within a very nasty, wet, slippery and sticky situation, funa umuntu wakho or else you will end up with a guy who has insufficient dick thinking they have a lot of love to offer. Those guys bafeba too much cause they seek validation then come back claiming whoever they slept with has a big hole. They even love Bjs nge-dick ye-size ye-lip ice. Now bitches won't take you serious cause inja yakho couldn't keep le-peg lakhe in his pants. Even during sex he’ll ask silly questions like “Do I give it to you good? Do you like this dick?" What dick exactly? When you keep wanting sex motho are “Ey wena ufuna ukungiqeda” - Like nigga I’m not satisfied coz akho nto.. but nah, they keep convincing themselves that everyone else is the problem but them.
Mara shame bona they give you fire fourplay. Only problem is you cannot, can never reach orgasm ngale-worm abakupha sona ngoba you will need a snake for such. Yaz it's funny that broke and unemployed niggas don't suffer from insufficient pipi. These guys chose one struggle. Makangakuphi inyuku ukupha ipipi.
Ok. Lets activate our hoe phase girls. These men who are busy throwing shade saying our sisters are not lekker, ask them about Teabagging, rimming, cherry poping, fisting, etc..abazi fokol. They'll be telling us that we can't get woman on top right, that siyizinkukhu and we even know the number of holes on their shabby ceilings wemikhukhu. Wenja! You think sex is all about you throwing her legs on your shoulders, dogstyle bese ushaya i-69 sex position abukelana namandeski wakho alokhu amshaya umkhaba? Think again. Angithi uya-cheater? Hamba uyofuna izitayela ezintsha ngaphandle before upepereza. Y'all bring nasty bad sex in the bedroom and zero sex drive mara nikhuluma too much. Yes. It's December. Go learn a thing or two. At least even if you were to get caught it will be worth it. Don't waste time by sleeping with someone ozivilaphela njengemedi yakho. Go buy sex toys and learn how to use them.
Guys yazini, let's all be safe hle. If u-baby sends you nudes while driving, uzofa. Yeka iphone. Drive until ufika la uyakhona. Uber ikhona ne bo-dronkie bami bezithandwa. If uyodakwa, shiya mova khaya. Safe sex please! Ya i-sex yaka Disemba imnandi bahlali. Inobu-horny nyana net ngokuyicabanga, but even when you fantasize, fantasize ngomkhonto onejazi. Don't take pictures with bitches noma angaba ne-reverse engakanani. Mawubanjwa uzozizwa!
January 2020 here we come with new resolutions on how to maintain our celibacy. Hi my name is Sasa thank you for having me. Not sexually dodi. Ei!